im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hippo gnu deer
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
