there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
