why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
