sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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