I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
