What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
