GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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