life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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