too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
