so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
