No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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