someone threw a dead crab at me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
love makes seman taste better
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
