I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
