I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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