I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
