You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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