i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
