Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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