I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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