I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
