I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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