shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
