People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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