I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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