i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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