I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
