She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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