I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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