I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
