I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
