You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We are two peas in an std pod
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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