Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
