I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
