if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
