Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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