I wish I could punch you in the face.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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