Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
