1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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