my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
