singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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