remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Houston, we have a squirter
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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