Having a random hookup so left but love u
It's Friday. Sex?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I did not marry a roomba.
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