i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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