just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
