And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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