Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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