Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
