I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
