I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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