I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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