I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Your topless pictures make me question reality
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
