He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
