you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
